Never Say These 10 Things To Your Girlfriend

Luckily, humans haven’t evolved to the point of reading each other’s thoughts yet (not that we know of, anyway). Chances are we would have wiped each other out ages ago if we could hear the unfiltered inner dialogue of our fellow men and women. Sometimes, these secret thoughts slip out in moments of brain-dead cluelessness. They can be career suicide if divulged at work and socially devastating if unleashed amongst friends, but nowhere else can they be as damaging as when they are blurted out to your girlfriend.

One second everything is going fine and the next, your words are hanging in the air like a stale, dank fart and she is giving you a look that could kill a puppy. Most guys can handle the extended stay in the ol’ doghouse that usually comes from these brain cramps, but when those silences and glares start to affect important things like your sex life, well, that’s incentive to nip this garbage in the bud! We’ve listed 10 of the most common things guys just shouldn’t say to their girlfriends. Avoid them if you can, or face the celibacy-inducing repercussions.

1.Don’t get so emotional!
Injured seagulls, Oprah, sappy car commercials -- it doesn’t take much to get girls crying. Most of the time, we find it beautifully endearing. But when things are a bit scrappy and the waterworks come out, it’s easy to snap at her. Don’t. She can’t control it; females are just wired differently than us non-feeling, emotionally bankrupt men.

A lot of the reason her crying affects us so much when we are fighting is because of the emotions it rakes up in us. The last thing we want is to see her crying, no matter how mad we are. The guilt we feel makes us defensive and prone to outbursts like this. It is in your best interest to ride out the tears and eventually work things out without resorting to this clichéd response to her display of emotion.

2.I don't like that [piece of clothing].
Ever since they tore off their bras and starting burning them, women have been extremely sensitive to being controlled by their men. So loaded statements like this, even made off-the-cuff, can get your girl’s back up and make things really interesting. Of course, by really interesting, I mean intense, uncomfortable and completely devoid of sexual contact.

If she is wearing it, she happened to like it enough to spend money on it. Making an announcement like this not only brings her tastes into question, but it also leaves you looking like a backward, misogynistic pig. Figure out a more productive (and more subtle) way to voice your opinion on her choice of clothes. Tell her you like the way she looks in the blue sweater, or take her out on a mini-shopping spree. But if you ever want to see her out of her clothes again, hold off on commenting on them so abruptly.

3.I’m not in the mood.
It’s an odd double standard that few people talk about. Women can use just about any excuse in the book to put off sex, from hair appointments to gas pains. But if a guy is too tired or just not up for a go, it rattles the very foundation of the relationship. She thinks men are sexual deviants with no off switch, and your saying no means something very sinister and deep in her mind. It’s almost better to just suck it up and go through the motions.

You can try to explain to her rationally, but all she will hear is you telling her she’s fat, or that you already got some with the blond receptionist in the copy room. She’ll let you off once or twice, but keep putting her off and the consequences could be devastating.

4.You are just like your mother.
Girls love their mothers with a touching and inspiring level of intensity -- but they also fear few things more than becoming their mothers. So letting this slip will lead to many, many problems, whether you are right or not.

You might even mean this as a compliment, but your girl will focus on the bloated, menopausal aspects of her mother rather than the cute, nurturing ones. Likening your girlfriend to this un-sexy, nagging matriarch is a surefire way to turn her off. Your girl is a fiercely independent woman who might admit to picking up a few positive traits from her mother, but to hear it from you is a totally different, and troublesome, matter.

5.If you really loved me you would…
This lame, desperate line of reasoning rarely (if ever) works. Actually, the only thing it succeeds in doing is making you look like a dweeb and her a bigger dweeb for putting up with you. It’s a popular way in which many guys try to get their girls to try anal. And it’s no wonder that many are still without their brown belts.

Putting conditions on her love for you is about as low as it gets. You are smart guy; you don’t stoop to this level to get what you want. Bribe her with flowers, shower her in chocolate, or just man up and ask her straight. That will get you a lot closer to what you want than trying this pathetic rationalization.

6.I’m not good enough for you.
Chicks dig confidence, and moping around whimpering statements like this will be a major turn-off. Keep your chin up and remember that you are a superstar and she is lucky to have you. Even if you don’t feel that way, acting like it will make you more like the man she wants you to be. She’ll feed your ego and breed real confidence that ultimately ends with you becoming a better person.

But whining about your shortcomings will plant seeds of doubt into her head. It puts you further under the microscope and could eventually convince her that you are right -- she is too good for you. Nice job, hot shot.

7.The “C-word”
When emotions are running high, many people are susceptible to the old “talk before you think” routine, and some pretty nasty things can be said. But calling her this worst-of-the-worst cuss word can be an absolute deal-breaker in many cases. It’s a particularly nasty word that should only ever be uttered in the grimiest slums of Edinburgh, or in the sack (if you are lucky). It’s not like it just rolls off the tongue, either, so you have no excuse if it slips out whilst fighting. That’s a shame, because it efficiently and effectively sums up what you are trying to convey. Just use your mental thesaurus and try less horrific synonyms to get your point across, and save the “c-word” for use during the makeup sex.

8.Your friend is a bitch
Girls develop a special brand of loyalty usually only found in soldiers or abused dogs. So calling one of her girlfriends a bitch is going to get you nowhere -- even if it is true. If you want to keep things copacetic, and keep your chances of getting laid alive, you’ll just have to suck it up and treat the offending girl with the same amount of respect she shows you.

If the situation continues to affect your quality of life, corner the witchy broad and ask her point-blank what her problem is. Most of the time it will revolve around you hogging your girlfriend’s time, or a perception formed almost exclusively on your girlfriend’s commiserating with them during the rocky patches. If this girl can’t get over her hang-ups and come around to your side, it’s time to let your girlfriend know. But choose your words carefully, and do your best to avoid flat-out calling her friend a bitch. It will make your argument a lot easier to win.

9.My ex would...
Looking to immediately start a fight? Compare your current girl to your ex, whether it be favorably or otherwise. She trusts that you’ve moved on… completely. Bringing up your ex in any light brings this all into question. Telling her how your last girl would cook your favorite meatloaf or give you back rubs will certainly not result in a massage. It will result in her fretting away about you straying back to the meatloaf-cooking ex. And a girlfriend in that state of mind is a girlfriend ripe for fighting.

On the other side, your ham-handed attempts to make your current girl feel good about herself by slagging on your ex are both pathetic and counter-productive. Your partner will wonder why you are thinking about her in the first place, and will also wonder what you’ll have to say about her if things don’t work out.

You are forgetting that girls develop an instant and all-encompassing hatred for a guy’s ex-girlfriend once they begin dating. You are safest to not even bring her up, in any circumstance.

10.She's hot!
File this one under “E” for “extremely freakin’ obvious!” It’s natural to look, normal to admire, but just downright stupid to vocalize to your girl. Even if your girlfriend is the first to notice and comment, it’s not an invitation for you to starting panting in agreement. What it is, though, is an invitation to tell your girl how much hotter she is.

She knows you admire other girls from afar, but she just doesn’t need it thrown in her face. Depending on your individual relationship, it might even be kosher to point out an attractive female from time to time. But don’t take this to mean you can spout off about any half-decent bimbo to your girl and anyone else in earshot. Be tactful, keep your wits about you and your unabashed gawking can continue without serious consequences.

silence is golden
Countless studies and volumes of books have been written about the female brain, and still we’re no closer to understanding women then we were when we used to pick bugs out of their back hair around fires. They are complex, emotional beings conditioned to expect us to screw up after having experienced so much of it in previous relationships. So don’t be surprised when she reacts so unexpectedly to the innocuous statement you accidentally blurted out. You’ve been warned, so you’ve got no one to blame but yourself .